A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway).

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

A backwards poet writes inverse. 

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but he broke it off. 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in  motion. 

  
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. If you then pay them you get dispossessed. 
 
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 
 
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 
 
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 
 
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 
  
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 
 
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 
 
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under. 
  
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 
  
Every calendar's days are numbered. 
 
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. 
 
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 
  
He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 
  
A plateau is a high form of flattery. 
 
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 
 
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 
 
Once you've seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall. 
  
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 
  
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 
  
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis. 
  
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 
  
Acupuncture is a jab well done. 
 
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer  the agony of defeat.